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Jokes

 

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What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?

No-one cries when you chop up an accordion!

The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.

Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"

Irishman replies: " I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?

There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Son: "I can't go to school today."

Father: "Why not?"

Son: "I don't feel well."

Teacher: "Where don't you feel well?"

Son: "In school!"

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Teacher: "I told you to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?"

Little Johnny: "Yes, the cow ate all the grass!" 

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated."

The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned."

Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

Teacher: "If you add 3452 and 3096, then divide the answer by 4 and multiply by 6, what would you get?"

Little Johnny: "The wrong answer!"

 

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"Do you know why Mickey Mouse bought a telescope?"

"No, why?"

"Because he wanted to see Pluto!"

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Teacher: "What is the most common phrase used in school?"

Little Johnny: "I don't know!"

Teacher: "Correct!"

.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

One day a man was at a hotel and had a leak in his sink.

So, he calls the front desk and says: "I have a leak."

Then the front desk person says: "Go ahead."

Yo momma is so fat. She puts on lipstick with a paint roller.

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do.

Teacher: "Why were you late?"

Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."

Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"

Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Meeting rules for managers:

1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.


"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."

Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"

Father: "How did you do in your tests?"

Son: "I did what George Washington did!"

Father: "What was that?"

Son: "Went down in history!"

Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail?

Into a re-tail store!

Teacher: "The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it?"

Pupil: "My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks!"

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the copilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on." The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too ..."

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Will this be on the test?

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

Pupil: "I don't like cheese with holes!"

Dinner Lady: "Well just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate!"

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."

"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"

"Lookin for me."

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"

 A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

"Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure."

"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

1st Roman Soldier: "What is the time?"

2nd Roman Soldier: "XX past VII!"

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

businessmanA young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

"Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said."

"When did you first notice this problem?"

"What problem?"

 

caveman,televisionWhy do men like love at first sight?

It saves them a lot of time.

tux,linux

This is Linux land. In silent nights you can hear the Windows machines rebooting.

 

 

 

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

businessman:3

 

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

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An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says.

'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'

MORAL :

No man / woman is busy in this world all 365 days.

The sky is not going to fall down if you take few days LEAVE and meet your dear ones.

OFFICE WORK IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE and MONEY MAKING IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE.

Give time to PARENTS!!!!!!

Don't forget to share!

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girl,sexyA girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.

"No," he says, "but it's better than average."
 

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